Do Not Be Anxious

"Do not be anxious about anything, 

but in everything, by prayer and petition, 

with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, 

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

-Philippians 4:6-7

Story of my life.  Well, at least this has been the theme for a good two months now.  Thanks to my good friend Laura, not only is it memorized, but it is memorized to a jingle!  Check it out here.  And while you're at it check out other Seeds Family Worship videos.  They use kinetic typography, along with a catchy tune, to help make the memorization process all the easier.  Sure, it's meant for kids, but adults needs these things, too.

So there I was singing "Do not be anxious" for a variety of reasons as I tramped around London and now I find myself back in the States still needing it.  What gives?  I thought part of what I was anxious for was to go home.  I've found myself looking at the inevitable return to London with dread.  WHY??  Everyone else seems to love it.  I hear about how awesome people think being in London is all the time, but for some reason I can't share in their enthusiasm.  There's a lot of cool stuff and I've met some awesome people, so WHY can't I embrace it and have the time of my life like everyone seems to think a year in London should be or says theirs was or has been??

Cause it's not where my heart is.  Virginia is my home.  China is my passion.  So just why did the Lord lead me to London?  Of course the masters degree has something to do with it, but there's always something else.  Maybe it was to help me more clearly understand where my heart is.  And I think I'm learning about waiting.

A few mornings ago, I opened my Bible and the first thing I saw was this:

"Until the time came to fulfill his dreams, the LORD tested Joseph's character."

-Psalm 105:19

Then I'm like, "Ohhhhh no."  The day before, a friend of mine had said, "I have a better analogy for you than London being a fiery furnace.  It's more like our being refined like a Hertzler refines a pig slowly for a roast."  So I asked if I would be edible by the time I get back.  He said no because we're not done roasting until heaven.  Short buddy has some wisdom between his ears.

I found myself praying that I wouldn't just squeak by but pass with flying colors.  But that verse led me to think of this:

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life."

-Proverbs 13:12

So if deferring dreams makes the heart sick, why am I being told to wait, wait, wait?  Because waiting on God is trusting in God.  It's trusting he knows the right time, the right place, and the right people.  It's trusting he's had it all figured out before time began.  It's trusting that he has a very good reason to say, "Wait."  It's learning the discipline of not trying to control things myself but instead depending on God to see them through in his way and in his time.

"But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. 

They will soar high on wings like eagles. 

They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint."

-Isaiah 40:31

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. 

I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."

-Isaiah 41:10

 I have been chewing on this post for about a week and yesterday the sermon at New Life provided a nice little capstone.  "Don't ever give up on the God that's never given up on you.  Life is hard.  God is still God.  Don't give up."  Pain and suffering come to all people.  God never promised that being in the middle of his will is 'safe.'  It's safe in an eternal sense, but it doesn't mean pain won't happen in this life.  Just ask Jesus.  Or the disciples.  Dying on the cross or getting martyred wasn't exactly a walk in the park.  Pain came to Job even though God referred to him as a righteous man because God wanted to illustrate a point, use it to teach, and bless Job more in the latter part of his life than in the first.  There is no karma in the Bible.  God simply takes care of his own.  Are you going to allow your circumstances to define your theology or are you going to allow your theology to define your circumstances?  Maybe God has you on the insane boat that's going through the rapids while others are quietly drifting down the river.  Enjoy the journey that God has you on.  You're on it for a reason.

"'My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,' says the LORD.

'And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.'"

-Isaiah 55:8

 So in the meantime,

"Wait patiently for the LORD.  Be brave and courageous.  Yes, wait patiently for the LORD."

-Psalm 27:14

"Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him."

 -Psalm 62:5

"While I'm Waiting" by John Waller - A jam for the season.

He Loves Me

Two weeks ago, on December 5th, I was at the weekly Monday night Christian Union meeting on my campus.  After the meeting, people were eating mince pies among other things for the CU Christmas party.  I've been gluten free for nearly two years thanks to an unexplained intolerance, so I wasn't eating any of it.  One of the guys in the group told me that he used to be lactose intolerant, but God healed him and now he can eat whatever he wants.  He asked to pray for me.  I said sure.  A couple nights later, he messaged me and asked if I had eaten any gluten yet.  I said no.  He asked why not.  I said I felt like that guy in the Bible who said 'Yes, I believe but help me with my unbelief!'  I took the leap of faith and ate some.  The next morning I had one brief, sharp stab of pain but nothing else.  I actually felt really good.  No smoldering pain.  No stay in bed pain.  No swollen nastiness.  No super fatigue.  Leaping again, I ate one more thing.  Still I was fine.  The next morning I had cinnamon rolls and went for a run.  I was wondering if this was for real.  I wondered if it was going to suddenly catch up to me.  I wondered if I should say anything to people lest it prove to be untrue.

I have a lot of good God time when I run and during this run I was asking all of those questions.  God's answer?  Went something like this:  "You believe I can heal.  You've seen me heal.  You would believe this for another person.  So why won't you believe I would do this for you?"

BAM.  Smackdown God style.  Smackdowned by love.

Why can it be hard to accept God's love?  Why is it hard to just let him love me?  I think somehow there is still a part of me that wants to earn God's love.  That wants to earn praise and recognition as if it's a matter of sport performance or class ranking.  A part of me that wants to be like, "Look, Daddy!  Look what I've done!  See you can be proud of me!"  But it is completely unnecessary.  God loves me no matter what I do, just as my earthy daddy loved me on both good days and bad.  Yet it is so easy to fall into the 'I need to earn it' trap.  So easy to say, "Oh well, I deserve this problem because I mess up way too much.  Yes, God could heal me, but he sees my heart and knows there's still darkness there.  He's saved me, but I shouldn't ask for more than that.  I'm too unworthy.  Let someone else who fights the battle better than me have the blessing."

But the Word of God says,

"If God is for us, who can ever be against us?  Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won't he also give us everything else?  Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own?  No one - for God himself has given us right standing with himself.  Who then will condemn us?  No one - for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God's right hand, pleading for us.  Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love?  Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?... No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.  And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love.  Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow - not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below - indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."

-Romans 8:31-39

"He does this to make the riches of his glory shine even brighter..."

-Romans 9:23

God wants to lavish his love upon us not because we deserve it but because it glorifies his name.  We who accept his love, accept his sacrifice upon the cross, accept reconciliation, accept his preeminence, accept his omnipresence, his omnipotence, his divine Lordship, his perfection, his wisdom, 'do' not because we need to seek approval but because we have approval and rejoice in it.  We rejoice in its freedom.  We rejoice because he loves us.

Today I ate gluten.  Tomorrow I will eat gluten.  Not because I deserve it but because my Heavenly Father wants to teach me how much he loves me.  How much he loves all of us.  How much he cares about even the little things.  Because let's face it, a gluten intolerance, as annoying as it is, is not the worst problem a person could have.  But yet, he has healed it to woo my heart another step closer to his.

"Look, I am making everything new!"

-Revelation 21:5

Don't fight him.  He loves you.  He wants to be mighty in your life.  He invites you to be his bride.  Have you said yes?  Have you come to the alter?  Have you said 'I do'?  Have you come to the only one able to save?  To wash you white as snow?  To make you new?

"But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners."

-Romans 5:8

Oh Jesus, lover of my soul.

London Adventures: Dec 5-15

I'll say this first: I'M HOME!  After class yesterday morning, I hung out with the Messersmiths a bit before they gave me a ride to the airport.  My plane took off an hour late, but I eventually landed in DC at around 9:15pm EST.  To my surprise, my brother, Bobby, and his girlfriend picked me up and I guess we were having too good of a time chatting which led to Bobby following the beltway into Maryland and we didn't get home until midnight even though we left the airport around 10... whoops!  At that point my body was thinking that it was 5am, so I hit the pillow.  So exciting to be back!!

School:
 Spent my time studying for my Silk Road exam and using the physical library sources while I could for my essays due the first week back from Christmas.  I think the exam went well...

Work:
 Topics have still been going on about American vs English words and foods... they can't grasp the concept of an American biscuit.

Church:
Sang Silent Night as a trio with Corinne and Lisa for the morning service and then we had the Christmas Cantata in the evening.  Voice = shot.  I don't know how I sang the soprano of Silent Night but I did and then later ended up lip syncing any "high" alto or long notes... but the program was fun and the food delicious. :)

Randoms:
 "Watched" the six Messersmith kids last Thursday... Emily doesn't really need watching and is more like an extra watcher, so maybe more like watched five.  Crazy times!

Dinner with four of the five flatmates on Saturday night.  Everyone made something.  Therefore it was Chinese food plus sweet potato casserole.  Then Wednesday night, my last night, four of us hung out eating ice cream and tang yuen.  So great that we are finally getting to know each other!

Perseverance

"That is why we never give up.  

Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.  

For our present troubles are small and won't last very long.  

Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!  

So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; 

rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.  

For the things we see now will soon be gone, 

but the things we cannot see will last forever."

-2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Perseverance.

I remember when I learned that word.  My 8th grade English teacher used it to describe me after the Middle School County Championship softball game.  Leaving the dugout, I had been heading over to the on deck circle, talking to my teammate who was first up that inning and already there.  Unfortunately, she didn't hear me and decided to swing the bat just as I walked by.  Fortunately, I saw it coming and was able to block the bat from hitting my face.  Unfortunately, that meant my hand got smacked right on the metacarpal V (the bone connecting your pinky finger to all your little wrist bones).  Fortunately, later I found out it was not broken, just incredibly bruised.  In the meantime, however, I still had to bat and play catcher with an out of commission left (catching) hand.

I remember when I memorized those verses out of 2 Corinthians.  I was in a Chinese hospital going through something I would never wish upon anyone.  Basically I spent a month and a half in and out of three different Chinese hospitals and, at the time of memorization, I was in the middle of having a procedure done that I don't exactly recommend and also in the middle of my longest single stay.  It was about a week and a half and consisted of just about every test imaginable (without anesthesia), no food, and no Internet or global phone (only sporadic contact with the US when someone from my organization would Skype call my Chinese phone).  Eventually, this whole thing culminated in an unnecessary appendectomy all because I'm apparently intolerant of gluten.  Doesn't sound real does it?  I was being stretched in ways and having my limits tested more than ever before.  In some ways I still feel like I'm recovering from it.  I would be lying if I said it wasn't a traumatic experience that I'm still working out the repercussions of.  I am not the same.

"... Your strength comes from God's grace..." - Hebrews 13:9

But there is something good that I experienced to a greater degree than before: Spiritual food, the Word of God, sustained me in ways nothing else could.  I clung to my Bible; I clung to the promises of God.

"The Lord is good, a strong refuge when trouble comes.  

He is close to those who trust in him." - Nahum 1:7

God tells us that his grace is sufficient for us.  That he's all we need (2 Corinthians 12:9).  In verse 10 Paul states, "For when I am weak, then I am strong."  God shows up powerfully in our weaknesses to be our strength, to help us overcome.  Kind of like when I had that bashed up hand and my teammate "became" my second hand to get that victory cheeseburger into my mouth (we won by the way).  God is more than able to get us through whatever situation we're in.  Whether we be sick, hurting, lonely, forgotten, tired, anxious, overwhelmed, discouraged, frustrated, used, abused, hungry, thirsty, poor, persecuted, sad, mourning or anything else, God is mighty among us.

"The Lord says, 'I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.  I will advise you and watch over you.'" - Psalm 32:8

"See, I care about you, and I will pay attention to you..." - Ezekiel 36:9

"I will never fail you.  I will never abandon you." - Hebrews 13:5

I don't know about you but for me those words feel like a massive hug being wrapped around me.  It's God the Father holding me, whispering, "Don't worry, it'll be okay.  We're in this together."

London Adventures: Nov 28 - Dec 4

I can't believe it's December!!

School: 
The week culminated on Thursday morning when I finished and turned in my first grad school essay.  I'm so excited that's over with!!!!!  I then proceeded to sleep 15 hours that afternoon/night.

On Wednesday I didn't have class because of a massive strike by the faculty about their pensions.  The extra two hours to work on my essay were okay by me!  Many students joined the protests and were trying to prevent anyone from entering any of the university's buildings.  I had to fight through them to get into the library because I needed to look at an article again to finish that essay.  That was interesting.  Something I've noticed while being here is that the British love to protest.

I finally found out what my student number at SOAS is, figured out their library system, and checked out a book from there for one of my next essays!  SOAS is the School of Oriental and African Studies, another branch of the University of London network.  One of my classes is there, so I had to do a bunch of intercollegiate paperwork that no one really bothered to explain to me, took forever to process, etc., etc... anyways bottom line is that it's done and this may sound like I haven't been in their library but I have.  I just couldn't check things out and had a hard time figuring out why the reference numbers given with the books in the catalog didn't match up with their location!!

Next order of business: Get all the research done that requires my physical presence at one of the libraries here before going home for Christmas because I have two essays larger than that first due the first week back from break!

Work:
Started working two regular shifts this week.  I'm definitely happy about that, but this week it was a little annoying since they're on Tuesday and Wednesday and I had that essay due Thursday!  Fun times comparing American and British English though lol...

Hockey:
We played the last game of the fall season (which is the first half of the full season) on Saturday and won 3-1 even though we were down 1-2 players the entire game!  That's some good zone defense for you haha!!  And I may or may not have taken someone out... 0:)

Church:
We've got another young adult!  I'm not going to try to spell her name right now.  She's from the Netherlands and pretty cool.

The last practice for the Christmas Cantata was this afternoon because it's in a week!  I can't believe it's that close!  And rehearsal had a lot of shenanigans today.  Guess that's what happens when you run through the same program you've been doing for months twice in a row!  Wise men "riding camels" and the men's section breaking out into some sort of zumba shuffle... yeah...

Randoms:
Friday night I cooked Chinese food for the Messersmiths and despite my killing of the spring roll wrappers it was still a success.  I figured the littlest kids would use forks but no they insisted on figuring out the chopsticks.  It was cute!

Saturday night I went to Meghan's for a tree trimming party.  For the first time in my life I used tinsel and strung up popcorn and cranberries to wrap around the tree.  We also created a 'bonfire' in the grill on their deck facing the canal.  Of course this was essential being that we're a bunch of archaeologists.  Field school memories :)

Yesterday I suddenly realized just how close it is to time to fly home for Christmas!  As of tonight, I will be Stateside in 11 days!!  Landing at Dulles the evening of Dec 15 - crazy!!!

And happy birthday to my favorite Katie Bird!  We need another joint birthday party.  Speaking of which, just when did ten years pass since our first one????  More craziness.

London Adventures: Nov 14-27

Hmm I'm thinking this listing the highlights thing that I did last time is going to be best from now on.  Now that I'm well into classes and all I don't see the need to give a day-by-day account of class, work, and study.  I'll try to just hit particularly interesting things and maybe I bit of what I'm thinking during this time.  Also, hopefully I'll get back on task of a weekly update... my bad!

School:
- Essays!!  Just to clarify something, if I say essay here it's not a short couple pages.  My experience in the States says an 'essay' is short and a 'paper' is long.  Here everything is an essay, not a paper.  Also, at the master's level you are writing a 'dissertation', not a 'master's thesis.'  Another thing is that they have a specified length by number of words instead of number of pages.  Thank goodness there is a word count tool in Microsoft Word!

- Two essays were scheduled to be due before Christmas break and I was starting to get stressed about it because I was definitely behind in research due to all of the time I've spent sick.  I am pleased to say though that one of those essays is now due after break!!  Takes a lot of stress off of me these next few weeks.  I still need to get a lot done before break though because since I'll be home I won't have access to anything in our libraries that isn't online.  Since now I have two essays due that first week back, it looks like I'll need to be writing a lot over break.  Goal is to get pretty much all of the research done before I leave.  This is so weird because I haven't had courses that lasted all year since high school!  Everything since then has only lasted a semester, meaning no work over Christmas!  For now I still need to finish that essay due coming up on Thursday, Dec 1.  I can't believe it's about to be December already!  And I'm so behind again due to being sick again this weekend ahhhhh...

- My Chinese Archaeology class had a 'field trip' of sorts to the British Museum.  So awesome that it's connected to campus.  I can walk in and out of it whenever I want.  It's really neat to see artifacts we've been talking about in class in person.  And my Silk Road Archaeology class had class in the British Library, only a 10 minute walk from campus.  They brought things out of storage for us.  We got to see documents and books from the Silk Road that are over 1000 years old!

Work:
- My shifts have been sporadic but thankfully next week I start working regulars.

Dorm Life:
- My flatmates and I are all officially Facebook friends with a group forum to communicate!  lol it took long enough!!


- Within one 24 hour period I lost my keys and got locked in our bathroom.  Where the keys went, I still don't understand because I used them to get IN so they must be in the flat but we've turned the place upside down and still can't find them, meaning I had to pay for new ones.  Grrr.

The locked in the bathroom thing... yeah sounds weird but it really did happen.  And it happened just before 4am.  Woke up, needed a bathroom break, went in and couldn't get out.  It's a deadbolt and as I turned the lock it just kept turning and turning without moving the deadbolt.  I stood there thinking this must be a dream but soon realized it wasn't and was determined not to spend the rest of the night sleeping in the tub.  Since it was then very early on a Saturday morning, I knew it would be a very long while before my flatmates woke up.  The bathroom is on the inside of the building, so no windows, the door opens inward (so no kicking it down), and the hinges have screws on the inside of the door frame (so no prying them off, not that I had a tool anyway).  I was yanking and picking away at the frame around the deadbolt when one of my flatmates, Xiao, woke up, heard something, and came to investigate.  So happy he found me!!!  After he tried kicking down the door and slipped a knife under for me to try to use, he went and got Tianyi (another flatmate).  Tianyi had a tool kit, not surprising he's the engineering major, and freed me by taking the entire lock off the door.  By this time it was 5am and I was sooooo glad to be out!  My hockey teammates were very amused by this story later on that day... I even got voted the "idiot" (for lack of a better term, and in an endearing way of course) of the game for it.  How that story was relevant in the voting I don't know... but at least I had votes for "Man of the Match" as well lol.

And I'd like to add that when I told a member of staff here about it she was just like "oh that happens all the time"... ????

Hockey:
- I'm still playing for the Accies.  This past Saturday I played for both the 1s and 2s.  During the 2s game we only had 10 players the whole game and we were playing the team on top of our league.  We lost but managed to hold them scoreless the second half and only lose by 1!  Very busy game in the backfield.  They better watch out for when we play them next round.  Still reveling in how super fun it is to have hockey a couple times a week.  I love how it is a game for all ages here.

Church:
- Corinne, another 20-something, moved here from Canada!
- The Messersmiths rescued me in my illness this Sunday.  I was starting to feel pretty bad again on Saturday and was feeling just horrible by Sunday afternoon.  They said I looked like death warmed over.  Lovely.  Slept on their couch all afternoon and took over the guest room that night.  Felt so much better in the morning!  I think London life would be miserable without the people of CBC.

Thanksgiving:
- Unfortunately, I for the first time had class on Thanksgiving, BUT fortunately it was in the morning so I was completely free to enjoy Thanksgiving afternoon and night at the Messersmith's along with Paula, Bobby, Rachel, and another American family from outside of London.  Oh and Corinne the Canadian was permitted to join after work in the evening seeing as she's a North American haha.  Paula and Lisa did the cooking, Pastor Steve did the turkey, and it was delicious!!!  Lisa even made a gluten free pumpkin pie!

Randoms:
- I will be running the Paris Marathon in April!