My life is crazy.
How many times have I stopped to wonder "Is this real life?" When catching up with friends I am constantly reminded how abnormal all my stories are. "You should write a book," they say. But I wouldn't know where to begin with a book. Maybe one day I'll see how things fit together in a story to be told, but right now I just see craziness ending in a massive question mark.
I think the more I try to plan my life, the more God laughs. Not a malicious laugh, mind you, but more of a 'haha-she-has-noooo-idea-what-I've-got-up-my-sleeves' chuckle as He nudges Gabriel in the ribs saying "Just wait until she finds out about the next thing!" and the heavens echo with their amused laughter (because of course they're bros and do that sort of thing).
Seriously though, I know I'm not a pawn in some cosmic game played by a big supernatural being looking for entertainment, but if you had given me a run-down of what my life would be in the nine years since college back before they happened I would not have believed you. I'm not just talking about the globe-trotting and travel stories, but I'm thinking about all of the sudden, unexpected and big changes that have come-- both good and bad.
Right now there are many things I am trying to figure out. I know this is not a unique position; I'm sure many of you can relate, but I'm also sure that all of you relating to me right now also know how personal the feeling is-- how different your situation seems to feel from everyone else's lives.
For me, I've found the Psalms to be the best spiritual food during these times. When I read through the psalms of David, I find a camaraderie of hope in the midst of chaos. His life could be summed up like this:
EVEN THOUGH I'm surrounded by enemies who slander me...
EVEN THOUGH my family has turned on me...
EVEN THOUGH my friends abandon me...
EVEN THOUGH I messed up...
EVEN THOUGH life is crazy...
EVEN THOUGH I don't understand...
EVEN THOUGH I feel God is not answering me...
DESPITE all these things
... YET I will see the LORD's goodness.
... YET I will live as I should.
... YET the LORD's faithfulness endures forever.
... YET I will praise the LORD.
... YET the LORD is worthy.
... YET the LORD is for me, so I will have no fear.
... YET all the LORD's promises prove true.
This past Sunday the message was fittingly about just this sort of thing, along the lines of:
I don't understand what's going on, but I trust in your unfailing love.
When life doesn't make sense, remember:
God is all-powerful.
God is all-knowing.
God is ever-present.
I write these things because it helps me to process life and what God is teaching me. I also hope it is useful and encouraging to you who may be going through similar things. Let's not lose sight of our confident hope. Let's fix our eyes on God's goodness, not our circumstances and the chaos of life, because His goodness is infinite and true, a source of calm in this crazy world.
And as David wrote:
"My suffering was good for me,
for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees.
Your instructions are more valuable to me than millions in gold and silver."
--Psalm 119: 71-72
"The LORD is my strength and my song;
he has given me victory...
Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good!
His faithful love endures forever."
--Psalm 118: 14, 29
